UNROOTED

With all this time I have on my hands, I figured why not write a new blog post!

Some people get clarity from talking it out or thinking things through alone, but I best process things when I just write it out. Which I force myself to do occasionally, because don’t we all get lazy sometimes? So here's where I'm at.

Even before this whole COVID-19 craziness, I was feeling pretty “unrooted”. By this, I mean that I wasn’t really connecting to any place. When I was in Jacksonville, I was missing time with family and eager to get back. But when I was back in NJ, I felt guilty for not making more of an effort to create a home in Florida.

Mid 20’s is such a great age, but also a WEIRD one. There’s a sense of needing to push yourself and try new things to discover what you want for the future, but also the pull of not letting go of what grounds you (like home and family). Marrying those two things has not been an easy feat for me.

Being in this current situation has only made things more difficult, because now I have to SIT with these feelings and really unpack them. The first challenge came when I decided where to be “quarantined”. Do I stay in Jacksonville- when my siblings and parents are all living together in NJ? Or do I make the long trek back to take advantage of this work-from-home time? It was really just not as clear to me as I thought it would be.

It’s been incredibly hard to make Jacksonville feel like home, especially when I have a family that is so close (physically and emotionally) and enjoys being together. This time in life is for sure about self-exploration, but I don’t think I was expecting to want to be in Jacksonville for so long- and to have to decide when to leave. It’s hard to continue enjoying my new home as it is right now, when I can actually see Jacksonville being a part of my future. Because it’s lost it’s sense of being a temporary move, it’s become a much bigger decision of whether I want to start spreading roots or not.

Each time I join a new group, meet new people, or start job searching, I know deep down that it’s not such a small decision in the end. With each commitment comes this feeling that I’m settling into the pull of this new home. And with each root planted in Florida, one is mentally pulled from NJ. That leaves a lot of guilt and the uncertainty of if that's what I REALLY want.

I know a lot of people that moved away after college, but I also know a lot that chose to move back towards home. With both decisions, I’m sure there comes a feeling of “what now?” at right about this age. I’m sure it’s completely normal… but that doesn’t make it any easier.

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As usual, I am just living my life and do not have answers at all. But, I will leave you with some thoughts that have helped me through all this.

1. You don’t have to have all the answers right now. People may ask what your next move is- When are you coming home? When are you moving away? But this shouldn’t make you rushed to make a decision. Don’t feel like their question requires a definite answer. A simple “I’m not sure yet” will usually do the trick.

2. It’s ok if you change your mind. There have been more times than I can count where I thought I had an answer, proceeded to tell everybody, then completely changed the plan.

3. Share how you feel and get other opinions. The key to this is that you ask the RIGHT people. By this, I mean ask people who you know want the best for you. Ask people who are unbiased and simply want to see you happy. We were put on this earth for relationships, so we should rely on others through times of uncertainty.

4. Do what feels right for you. It’s not selfish to live YOUR life the way you want, as long as you feel like you’re doing what makes you genuinely happy and healthy. I’m for sure not encouraging a “screw everyone else” attitude. I just mean that it’s ok to not feely guilty about making everyone else happy all the time. In the end, if they love you they WILL be happy once they see you are, too.

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This strange moment in our lives definitely does not have to be a time to make big decisions, but it’s a solid time to sit and think. Just taking the time to be a little selfish (in a healthy way)- journaling through family breakfast, going to bed early, taking the last cup of coffee from the shared pot- is a great start to down your own path toward recognizing what makes you happy.

Last thought- maybe our roots have nothing to do with a physical place. Maybe they spread throughout the PEOPLE in our life that remind us who we are.